learning for me

There's something I've been thinking about for a while, and I thought it would be good to get it down in writing.
This has been a year of potty training struggles. We tried just about everything, including probably the stuff you're not supposed to try. Stickers, charts, m&ms, presents, short-term rewards, long-term rewards, you name it. And it is just so frustrating when you can't really see why it isn't working. My lovely aunt pointed out to me in July that Stella just really wasn't there yet. She knew how the process should go, but there were a few key things missing - she still wasn't using the right names for #1 vs #2, and she couldn't tell you when she needed to go. So basically I spent months running around trying to anticipate urination. And can I just say -- I never want to type those two words together again. And with a baby to juggle it was just incredibly frustrating for all of us. So in the end I backed off and we all thought everything would click when she went to school.

We had moved her from where she was last year (which we LOVED) in favor of getting her a little closer to home and a spot secured for elementary school. The new school was really not a good fit - they wanted only 100% potty trained kids. I met with the teacher before school started and told her exactly where we were to make sure things were going to work out. We were both hopeful that the routine of school plus the social aspect would help things click. And they did, a bit. But it wasn't long before the teacher told Stella that she couldn't come back to school again until she had this all down. She actually expected me to keep her home until she was accident-free.
That didn't feel right to me and it finally came down to this:
1. Stella loves school and is highly motivated to attend.
2. If she could have avoided being kicked out (she had 3 strikes), she would have.
3. Ergo, she couldn't have avoided it at this point.

It made absolutely no sense to punish her for this, much less by depriving her of school. I am horrified by the whole situation. We were able to get her back in her school from last year, with her old friends and teacher, all of whom were excited to have her back and they are so great with her.

ANYWAY - did not mean to give a potty diatribe, the point is that this has been hard. And stressful on us - and her - and then guilt-inducing since I feel like our choices put that negative pressure on her. I mean, if we never switched schools, NONE of this would have come up in this manner. I felt like we were making our daughter into a worrier. Someone even remarked that she is a worrier. Suddenly I was nervous in a whole other way - that we were causing our child such angst that her self-perception would be warped, she would become a chronic worrier, never able to move forward in life past the worry.

So I was a guilt-ridden, stressed out parent when again my lovely aunt enlightened me. (And since then I should note that Stella has really caught on to the potty training. She just did it in her own time.)

Are you ready? Here's the wisdom:

Our children are who they are. Their personalities are there from day one, they emerge in different ways as they grow up. You don't make a child into a worrier - they are a worrier or they aren't. And really, it doesn't matter, because our job as parents is not to make sure they don't end up as worriers (or whatever), our job is to help them (whoever they turn out to be) make their way in this world.

I realize that doesn't solve the potty challenges, but it does help me deal with it better.

halloween

 Roman as Baby Elvis

 Stella as Rapunzel

Ghosts we made out of grocery bags

Halloween seemed more like its own season this year. I got an early start and made both of their costumes, including Rapunzel's hair. It was a lot of fun. I especially loved the challenge of Roman's jumpsuit. It needed to be something he could move in. And I don't know how, but he just really had the personality to really pull it off this year! We also carved our first jack-o-lantern. Lots of fun.