open letter to new parents

I had lunch the other day with someone who's sister had her first baby a few weeks ago and is struggling. Those first few months are like parenting boot camp. There's a lot of repetition, not much sleep, forced indoctrination... there are a lot of parallels. I found myself telling her things to pass on to her sister, and it got me thinking. 

I really struggled with that time too, in fact I don't think I know anyone who didn't. So here is my totally unsolicited advice to new moms (and dads too):

Dear new parent,

Congratulations! Your baby is wonderful and amazing and beautiful. Now let's talk about you. 

There is a good chance you haven't slept in a while. That sucks. You may be desperate for the solace of a long shower. You may be acting as a food source for someone else. Even if everything is rainbows and butterflies, you are making a massive adjustment to having to think about and anticipate the needs of another human being in a way that you probably never have before. There is a good chance you are wondering if you really thought this all the way through. 

THIS IS NORMAL. It is a massive life change. It is worth it in the end (more on that later).

Repeat after me: Just because you love your child doesn't mean you automatically love being a parent. It's ok to not love being a parent. Let's be honest, being a parent kind of sucks. Being the boss of someone else somehow turned out to be not as thrilling as one's childhood dreams might suggest. You can love your kid to pieces but that doesn't make it any more fun when you are dealing with diapers, crying, (heaven forbid) colic, etc. on two hours of sleep wearing the same clothes for too many days in row. 

Here is what you need to do next:

• For the love of god, take a shower. Showers are to new parents what spa days are for normal people. 
• Go somewhere. It's a scary proposition for you, but young babies are actually really good at this. They are pretty much fine with wherever you want to take them. That carseat fits right in the shopping cart, the stroller works great at the park, and somehow just exposing little ones to fresh air, even if they don't actually do anything, tires them out. I don't know how this works but it does. Most importantly, get yourself out of the house where you can think about other things, and maybe even talk to other adults. It is good for you. 
• Join a parents' group. Find one through your hospital, church, neighborhood, HOA, whatever. Meetup.com. You want playgroups. I know it sounds silly as your baby does not yet really need to "play" with other babies, but you need to go to a playdate and talk to the other parents. They are your comrades and you need each other. Someone there needs to hear from you. 
• Pick up a copy of Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. It is written in nice short chapters and will make you feel better.  
• Don't feel guilty if you need a break. A happy, rested, refreshed parent is a better parent. It's good for the whole family. 
• Has someone offered you some kind of help? Say it with me: "Yes, please!"

And here is the good news:

• The miracle of 6 weeks. You won't believe this now, because right now you feel like whatever awful stage you are in will last for the rest of your life.  But truly, everything will be different in six weeks. In the first 6 weeks, your baby is adjusting from a pre-programmed 2 hour cycle of eating, looking around and sleeping. They will take some time to adjust their cycles to our more common designations of "night" and "day". Ok this first part might take a lot longer, but really those first few weeks are the worst. It gets better and better. Even the much-dreaded colic is generally over in six weeks. Everything is a phase. EVERYTHING.
• The miracle of 4 months. Let's be honest, in the beginning this is a very one-sided relationship. But something magical happens when that baby actually smiles back at you and starts to respond. It really just makes everything better. Those little grins say "you're awesome and the funniest person in the whole world" and suddenly you don't mind wiping someone else's butt quite so much.
• It's ok to not be a baby person. This kind of goes with the whole phase thing. Some people are baby people - they would be happy to do nothing but sit and cuddle with a baby for hours on end. But not everyone feels that way and that's ok. Some of us love our babies but get very antsy sitting still. There are many more stages ahead and we don't all love all of them (hello, teenagers! I'm hearing things!). It's ok. Personally, I am not a huge baby person but I LOVE the toddler and preschool stage. It's different for everyone. The good news again is that everything is a phase.

You may have moments where you wonder about all those people with kids who encouraged you to have kids of your own. You went ahead and had a baby and are plunged into this nightmare abyss boot camp complete with bouts of panic and sometimes maybe you can't help but feel like you were tricked when they were saying things like "it's the best time of your life" and "this was the best thing we ever did". These people were not trying to trick you. They mean well. I've decided they were simply summarizing. This should give you hope - at some point in the not-too-distant future (ahem, 4 months), you will look back and the good will outweigh the difficult. 

You will then come across some sweet couple and encourage them to have children. The cycle continues. 

In the meantime, try to find moments to enjoy. They do go fast. And I promise you will feel much better after a shower.