this pregnancy has been brutal. i got better after the first trimester nausea, but never quite back to feeling like myself. spent most of the summer in a nasty funk.
lots of crying,
too tired to do anything,
spirals of self-doubt.
friends and family concerned.
not sure what to do.
talk to husband.
talk to dr.
culprit is revealed - gestational diabetes.
absolutely devastated, feel like complete failure.
don't want anyone to know.
feel guilty - convinced that it is my fault - too heavy, not enough workouts, etc....
and then... treatment starts. diet and exercise.
feel better immediately.
not crazy!
realize close friends have also had this.
feel a little better about it.
blood sugar checks 4 times a day. mostly good, but some stubborn overnight numbers.
...which correlates with freaky pregnancy hormones that peak at night.
start insulin. self-injections at bedtime.
numbers are great.
medical team says all this caused by hormones, not poor health habits.
this will go away.
feel a lot better about that.
weirdest pregnancy - miserable first 8 months, feel great at the end.
all this has robbed me of time to get excited.
have stayed mostly away from this blog and facebook -
did not want to document ambivalence, sadness, etc that i hoped would soon lift.
but here i am, alive and well, baby boy will be here friday.
nursery is ready, reinforcements are here.
stella is excited.
nervous about next six weeks or so.
planning for worst, hoping for best... what else can you do?!
i am good
i am happy
this child will be loved.
oh and i hope this one looks something like me :)
here we go!
3 comments:
Oh Jessica, we are so excited for your new arrival. I had gestational diabetes with Gabriel and it is like 99.6% that I have it with this one too... I test in two weeks but I am already seeing symptoms. So... you are NOT alone and it has NOTHING to do with something you did... and it is SO much better once you are treated. I will say, be on the look out for hormonal issues afterwards maybe... it took me awhile to regulate after Gabey was born with the diabetes...
We are sending bunches of prayers your way for a safe delivery of your little man!
We are keeping you in our thoughts and in our prayers. You are so strong to fight through these nine months. Wish I had something motivational or inspirational to share. Just know that we wish you the best.
Thank God that you're finally feeling better. I will keep praying for you and your family. We can't wait to get the good news this Friday!
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